So I decided it would be fun to try and find a random awful looking game on the Play Store and review it. As I flipped through random game after random game I stopped and stared at one called “Ice Queen Give Birth To A Baby” PlayStore Link. The gist of the game is that Queen Elsa from the movie Frozen is pregnant (it doesn’t say by whom, so we just have to use our imagination… maybe it was Olaf?) and you have to do a few things to expedite the delivery process and then care for the baby after it’s been delivered.

I was hoping there would be some kind of metric where there’s a countdown timer to the delivery and you have to speed through the streets of Arendale to get her to the hospital before she has the baby in the back of the carriage – but no. Nothing exciting. Your first task is to grab the stethoscope off the table and with your finger wiggle it back and forth over Elsa… or the baby… I dunno, it worked both ways. A progress bar fills up and you’re done. I have no idea what I was supposed to be doing with it.

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The next step is to give her an ultrasound… I’m dead serious. This was the absolute weirdest part of the whole game. I can only assume it’s supposed to be aimed towards 6 or 7 year old girls and they include the task of rubbing Elsa down with ultrasound gel and then using an ultrasound probe on her stomach to get an image of the baby. How weird is that?!?

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Eventually the genderless baby is born covered in what I assume is afterbirth and you have to give it a bath and clean it. Sick…

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Finally you get to “pimp out” your baby by choosing it’s swaddling cloth, it’s hairstyle, and it’s pacifier color. You can give this baby some seriously thick and long hair styles… like it’s a newborn with the hair of an 8 year old. So weird. Oh and then guess what? The game is over now.

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Yep, the whole thing lasted less than about 5 minutes. Which is great because the game is absolutely awful but is also sad because it was a treasure trove of awkward and weird moments like the main character of a Disney movie getting mysteriously knocked up and having to give her an ultrasound. I couldn’t have made up something that weird if I tried. On the plus side – the game is free. The game had a single ad pop up near the very beginning and left me alone until the end. I can’t say that about many games, but I can about this awful mobile game.